Roanapur Daily
by demonicDRAMAqueen
Summary: Set of drabbles written on a coffee overdose. Crack on crack. Please read and smile. Rated for Roanapur of course.
1. Chapter 1

**I have a feeling I use Revy too much but anyway here's another one. I hope the cast of Black Lagoon forgives me for another totally random situation. Oh by the way this is gonna be a series of oneshots. I have nothing against Dutch but I absolutely love Benny.  
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**Disclaimer: Me not own You not sue.  
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**Holy Matrimony **

Lately Revy had been feeling very odd. Roanapur was turning into a Looney bin. She could feel it in her gut.

It all started on a Thursday, three days back. Eda and Yolanda had been complaining about some of Rowans girls showing up in the church wanting to take up oath, Shenhua now spoke like an English noble and Rowan had become a priest.

But what had shocked her, or for that matter everyone in Roanapur was this;

** DUTCH was finally getting MARRIED.**

So here she was, cursing herself and the situation, wondering why she ever agreed to this.

She sighed as she shifted her cream frilly headband. There was no way she would have said yes to wearing the whole god-damned outfit. Even the headband was there because of Balalaika's Stechniken.

Today was Sunday. Dutch wanted to do this on a Sunday. Everyone was seated outside the church of violence. They would have done it inside but the bride was being difficult.

Yeah right!

In one dark and gloomy corner stood Sawyer, looking just as creepy in a dark purple gown, her chainsaw at the ready, not that her part was anywhere near yet. In the front row sat the leaders of the major crime cartels of Roanapur. Balalaika seemed to be enjoying herself with Chang. She looked stunning as always in a maroon evening gown and mink. Chang leaned over to her and whispered something in her ear causing her to blush.

Revy shivered and tore her gaze away to look at Dutch who was blushing happily, dressed in a tuxedo and his ever-present glasses. Rowan stood next to Dutch in his new priest robes. Disgusted she turned to Benny, who was asking her something.

"What?" she asked, a little dazed. Benny looked at her with a face that could give a carrot a complex.

"Do you think I should have shaved my legs?" he asked while fixing his own cream skirt.

Revy really wished she was dreaming.

Suddenly the music started playing and everyone turned to look at the bride. Cue for Revy and Benny to do their job as the maids of honor. The bride looked beautiful if Balalaika was to be believed. She had to almost be dragged to the altar.

She noticed Dutch straighten up and smile while Rock gushed happily while standing next to him. And she thought Rock was sane.

Finally with the bride now at the altar, the ceremony began. Everyone was smiling; some was crying tears of joy. All in all everyone was happy. Revy wondered if she was the only sane human around here.

Dutch looked at Revy, who somehow managed to give him a horribly strained smile.

Soon Rowan asked the crowd if anyone objected to this HOLY union. Before anyone could say a word the roar of a chainsaw cut through the air effectively silencing anyone who dared to speak.

Sawyer had done her job well. Rock gave her a thumbs-up.

Finally the rings were exchanged and Dutch kissed his bride before leaving for their honeymoon in Hawaii. Half the crowd was sniffling.

"C'mon everyone lets celebrate at the Yellow Flag." Chang laughed happily," The drinks are on me." Everyone cheered.

"Ah! Young love." Rock smiled.

Fuck! Young love? Between a fifty something man and a world war II PT boat? Revy didn't think so.

Aren't you coming Revy?" Rock asked as Revy sullenly searched for a puddle to drown herself in.

"Nah Rock. I'm never drinking again."

* * *

**I hope you like it. I'm risking my life here ya'know. Dutch is dangerous with that shotgun of his. So next chapter may take some time, but please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**So here's the second chapter. Enjoy**

**Disclaimer: I am not cool enough to own Black Lagoon.**

* * *

**Of ****Grapefruits and Watermelon **

The lovely young blonde stood in a corner of the grand hall. She looked at her reflection in the tinted glass door and sighed. She was glad she was wearing stockings; the red dress showed off too much leg.

Her soft brown eyes scanned the hall, searching for her target while ignoring the hungry gazes of random men. One even winked at her.

She shuddered.

She reached out her black gloved hand snagging a glass of Bacardi from a waiter passing by. She was going to kill Dutch for this. She hoped none of her real hair was sticking out.

Finally her gaze fell on a tall man dressed in a royal blue tuxedo, his side-swept white hair doing nothing to make him look younger. He must have been what... Seventy? And to think she had to seduce him.

Steeling her nerves she stood straighter and pulled her black mink shawl tighter around her bare shoulders while fixing her top, and walked forward desperately praying to any God who bothered to listen to keep her from falling over head first.

She stopped half way and their eyes met. His pale blue met her gentle brown and she twisted her red lips into a seductive smile. To her horror it actually worked. The man excused himself from the group of rich old geezers and glided towards her.

She turned to face the hallway and started to walk towards it making sure to sway her hips seductively and look back occasionally.

Walking further down the hall, she smiled at herself. This was easier than she had expected and to think she had never worn high heels in her life. Now, she walked with her chest puffed out with pride and confidence ringing in her ears.

Too much ringing, tripping on her dress she fell face first on the carpet.

Standing up she quickly checked her hair and turned back to see the old man running to her aid. So she did the one thing she could think of.

She ran.

Reaching the balcony she flung herself over the railing and landed heavily on a stack of mattresses laid out in the back of the pickup truck. She heard the old man being tackled to the ground by Dutch who was waiting at the balcony. Soon enough Dutch threw the now unconscious old man onto the mattress and jumped over the railing.

* * *

Dutch walked in the cabin door followed by the blonde who ripped off her blonde wig and threw it against the metal wall angrily.

Benny couldn't help but snort at the sight and Revy doubled over in a laughing fit while Rock glared at them with his red lips pursed.

Not wanting to loose his composure he pulled of his mink shawl and threw it on the floor.

Realizing a little too late about the absence of one of his grapefruits.

"It must have rolled out when I fell." he said quietly.

Silence.

Someone couldn't hold in a snort which had a chain effect.

Rock's face burned red with anger and embarrassment as he stomped out and slammed the door shut. This did absolutely nothing to stop Revy's voice as she howled with laughter.

"I told we should have gone for watermelons."

* * *

**I hope you liked it. The last sentence was spoken by Revy if you couldn't tell. Until next time.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I am sorry for the delay. I am having my exams and am usually on a coffee overload. I am practically twitching with energy right now. This chapter is total crack and bullpoop. But then again this is a crack!fic. And I still adore Benny.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but Mr. Poofy Bear.**

* * *

** Mr. Poofy Bear**

Benny couldn't understand it. Why did Rock have to be so nice to Revy if this was how things ended?

Another tug on his arm and he nearly tripped. He sighed.

This was not his day. Jane had arrived two days ago and he had no idea how to explain the girl hanging onto his arm.

At least she was not ripping his hair off anymore.

He sighed again as he realized he just didn't know what to do about Jane. She had refused to talk to him, partly because she was angry and partly because she was scared. She had also been stalking the poor girl around with a baseball bat trying to bring everything back to the way it should be. Said something about that's how its done in movies. Somehow today she was missing.

* * *

It had all started three days ago. In a drunken rage Revy had stomped into the bathroom, slipped and rammed her head into the ceramic bathtub.

What was actually quite surprising was the speed with which Rock had leapt off the couch and reached the door and the force with which he had kicked it off its hinges to check on her.

Rushing in, they had found Revy on the floor, gripping her head and staring quietly at the roof. Thankfully, no bodily fluids had been lost. After dragging her out she gripped Benny's hair and promptly passed out muttering something about a Mr. Poofy Bear..

For the next few hours the office was blissfully silent. This was a rare occurrence as it was hard to find peace with a human volcano near by...a very active volcano...with a pair of custom Beretta's.

Alas, nothing good lasts long.

The door to the aforementioned volcano's current resting place (the spare bedroom) creaked open eerily. The three men had all but stiffened. Even Dutch seemed to have stopped breathing in anticipation of the inevitable.

But nothing happened.

Shocked by the lack of an outburst from the lagoon's resident demonic being, everyone turned to look at her as she stood there with a blanket clutched in one hand and rubbing her eye with the other.

What had happened next would haunt Benny for as long as he gets to live, because she walked up to him, gripped his hair and did the one thing no one could ever imagine her doing. Ever.

That's right, the legendary Revy Two Hands, The Harbinger of Death squealed like a little girl she so wasn't.

Then she had promptly dragged him to the kitchen to cook something for the three of them all the while squealing and chattering about something or the other. The only person who had eaten the abomination that she had called an apple pie was Rock and he had done it only to keep her happy. The things people did for love. Benny couldn't remember there being any apples in the office though.

* * *

Back to the present, he looked at the box in his hand. Revy hadn't quite stopped tugging at him yet but she was getting better. For starters she wasn't calling him Mr. Poofy Bear anymore. She had a concussion, the doctor had said while leering at her, until Rock went Chuck Norris on him.

Well, now the poor resident Chuck was admitted for food poisoning. Something to do with an unidentified food product ( wild guess, huh) and Dutch had quite literally abandoned him to live on his boat till Revy 'the five year old' got better. He had never felt so betrayed.

Anyhow, as he walked down the halls of the hospital, he silently prayed to some higher power to fix things soon...

Or God help him, he would forget his morals and drown the redhead in the kitchen sink.

Suddenly, Revy froze, still gripping his arm. He stopped, hoping he hadn't said that bit out loud, and looked at her. She blinked a few times before looking down at their interlinked arms her clueless expression turning angry.

God, had he missed this.

He couldn't help but cry tears of joy as she kicked him away and cursed up a storm.

* * *

They reached Rocks room. Benny walked behind her carefully observing her. He had taken special care not to tell her about certain details about the past three days. He tripped again, but this time on his shoe lace but stopped himself from falling over. Bending down he started tying them up.

Until he heard a shriek, that is.

Forgetting about his lace he ran into the room and stopped dead in his tracks as the scene unfolded in front of his eyes.

Jane had a baseball bat in her hand, Rocks face was white as a sheet and Revy was on her knees, gripping her head tightly.

It wasn't manly to cry, but he couldn't help it. He continued to weep as Revy looked up with glassy eyes and squealed;

"Mr. Poofy Bear!"

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**I shall now go ram my head into walls. Enjoy :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the delay people I was having a hard time but here is something I came up with in Law class. **

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Black Lagoon. Why make me say it over and over and over again. you sadists you.**

* * *

**The legend of the brave warrior**

The sky was dark with clouds of gloom and doom. The heavens poured with a vengeance. A castle stood aloof amongst the tall trees. Surrounding it was a great forest of bushes and thorns and vines that coiled like snakes.

The young warrior stood on the raised land facing the castle. His grip tightened on his blade as he prepared for his heroic mission. His black coat bellowed behind him and the wind blew his silver hair into his eyes.

Legend had it that a beautiful princess with hair like the moonless nights and eyes like a storm was trapped in the tallest tower. She was known as the Dragon Princess. The evil witch who had trapped her was a master of disguise. The flame haired witch…Two Hands.

The warrior felt his face go a graceful crimson as he wondered the reason for such a name.

Gritting his perfect teeth he ran towards the Forest of Bloody Death, where the thorns that speared and vines that strangled awaited his arrival. His long legs carrying him gracefully, he raised his blade high above his head and slashed at the vines that reached for him.

A certain vine tripped him but he stretched out his hand to the ground and somersaulted over the man-eating flower swiping at it with his blade. Landing on his feet in a royal manner he waited for the flower to burst into smithereens.

Slashing and dodging, he made a final leap and landed on his knees, skidding a little with not a bit of damage to his pants.

But he was stopped by a man with Asian features. His tie fluttered evilly in the breeze. His apron gave him away! The evil witch was in disguise! Getting to his feet, the warrior bellowed,

"Surrender; Ye evil witch!"

"Ugh. I'm not the witch." He said whilst fixing his tie. "I'm the finance manger, cook and accountant. And I would like to inform you that all that damage you did to my garden is coming out of your pocket."

"Be quiet ye vile creature." The warrior bellowed, unfazed by the witch's monetary threat. "I shall not be fooled by your childish tricks. Now, hand over the Dragon Princess."

The vile creature looked rather disturbed and ripped off his apron.

"You know what? I quit!"

The warrior realized that the witch was escaping and ran to stab her….uhhh..him.

Just as his sword poked the witch the ground shook and cracked. The earth parted and a large demon with giant teeth and a mane of flames appeared from the depths of hell.

It roared and the ground shook with it.

"How dare you poke my accountant, you fool?" It roared and a few flames escaped its mouth.

"I am here to destroy this evil witch." The brave warrior stood his ground and pointed at the man standing beside the demon.

The demon reached its tail to the side and wrapped it around the man before carelessly tossing him away from dangerous grounds. Bending its head low to meet the warrior's eyes, it said in a low growl,

"I'm the evil witch, ya fucktard gigolo!"

"Nay, ye art the demon not the witch." He stood his ground undeterred. The demon sighed.

"I'm an evil witch asswipe. I can shapeshift." She said tiredly.

"Oh!" the warrior replied and poked her in the eye with his sword and the demon screamed and disappeared into a cloud of evilness.

He ran to the tower and reached its foot.

"Oh lovely Dragon Princess, it is I, your humble warrior." He said gracefully. "Let down your long tresses so that I can come and rescue ye."

"Aiyaa! I not let my hair down." A shrill voice yelled back. "What you think this shampoo commercial?"

"Then how shall I come up?" the warrior asked, but got no reply.

He sheathed his blade and started the long journey up. The wind was strong and threatened to make him fall and the rain made the brick wall slippery under his fingers but like a brave warrior that he was, he continued unafraid. Reaching the window he pulled himself in and stood, wet from the rain.

There she was, the beautiful Dragon Princess in her red pajamas with the flame haired witch also in her pajamas. She was in black though, as she was evil. And they played the torturous game of Monopoly!

"Let her go you hideous monster." He yelled.

DING!

The door to the left of the room opened to reveal the accountant-cook-finance manager and a gothic woman with a chainsaw carrying cookies and tea in a silver tray.

"Ye had a lift?" the worrier asked feeling foolish.

"Yeah of course I do dipshit, it's the latest trend amongst us evil people." The evil witch spoke, "Don't interrupt the game now."

The warrior ran at the witch with his sword and she pulled out her wan-

She pulled out her cutlass and fired three rounds into his chest causing him to fall out the window.

* * *

Revy interrupted Rotten and slammed her red haired Barbie down breaking its arm happily.

"Why did you do that?" Rotten yelled as he flung his Ken at the toy castle.

"Aiya! You two stupid stop fighting."Shenhua laughed as she gently placed her Chinese Barbie back into its box neatly. Sawyer continued to rip her gothic stuffed doll apart.

Rock simply sat in a corner, his fingers coiled tightly around his black haired Kens neck with a rather disturbed look on his face.

"Because I'm always the evil witch!" Revy yelled energetically.

Rock felt the Ken doll crack in his hands. He knew that mixing coffee and fairytales was a terrible idea when Revy ripped Rotten's Ken in two angrily muttering.

"Die you foolish warrior; no one pokes my accountant!"

* * *

**Why can't I write romance? Its a curse. Well review my friends and not friends. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Here is the 5th chapter in this set. I couldn't help it. Its not all that funny but its humorous, so yeah.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

* * *

** POINTY**

One fateful afternoon, Rock nearly fell out of Revy's room with a box in hand, instantly gathering the attention of the two men on the couch. He looked weird, his face was white with shock, and his eyeballs seemed to be on the verge of rolling out.

''Rock are you trying to get all of us killed?'' Dutch muttered,'' Put her stuff back.''

''No Dutch, just..''

''Why were you in Revy's room anyway? If she finds out about this you'll be swiss cheese.'' Benny spoke up, concern for his friend lacing his tone.

''I was looking for laundry and I found this.'' Rock raised the purple cardboard box and removed the top for both the men to see.

Dutch choked on his coffee and Benny passed out.

''Yeah I thought so too.'' Rock muttered.

* * *

**Three days back...**

Revy wandered the streets of Roanapur in complete and utter boredom. Struggling with an urge to murder someone she puffed harder on her smoke. She looked around hoping to find a suitable target but none would work. Everyone seemed too slow to actually make killing them fun. Besides, killing didn't seem to really satisfy her anymore. Maybe she needed to make more girlfriends like Eda.

Nah. She'd rather kill them and sell their kidneys.

She wandered around some more before ending up inside the Yellow Flag drinking alone. She wondered whether calling Eda over would make things moderately fun but decided against it.

On her third glass, she heard a shrill, annoying, voice.

''What you doing here alone, Twinkie?''

''ugh. Fuck me!'' Revy sighed.'' I could ask you the same damn question Chinglish.''

''I not interested in fucking you'' Shenhua said in her usual cheerful manner,'' but you always with Dumbass. What happen? You two break up?''

''We aren't together! Why does everyone think that?'' Revy exclaimed almost angrily.

Shenhua shrugged and sat down next to her, causing Revy to shift her stool slightly.

''Relax Twinkie, I not here to fight. I here to drink.'' Shenhua said as Bao got her her usual drink.

''What the hell is that?'' Revy asked as she eyed Shenhua's glass.

''Baiju. Wanna try?''

''Nah. I'm good.''

The two woman sat in silence for a while. Revy hadn't taken a sip since Shenhua had arrived. She simply kept staring at her glass with her chin in her palm.

''You look bored.'' Shenhua stated bluntly.'' How many died?''

''None.'' Revy sighed.'' its hard enough dealing with Dutch after that, I don't wanna have to deal with Watsap too.''

''I see.'' Shenhua downed the drink and ordered another.

Another silence took over the two women as they emptied their glasses. Punctuated every five minutes by a sigh that escaped from Revy's lips.

Suddenly Shenhua stood up causing Revy to jerk her head towards her. A little too fast.

''Ow!'' she exclaimed as she rubbed her neck.

''Come with me, Twinkie.'' Shenhua then grabbed her upperarm and dragged her off the stool and out the bar yelling at Bao to put the bill on her tab. And for once Revy didn't struggle. After all, people don't pay your bills everyday.

''Where and why?'' Revy asked suspiciously, which was pretty understandable since they were enemies...most of the time at least.

''You live with three men, and you no fun when you like this.'' Shenhua said as she walked a little ahead of her now. ''you need go out more.''

''Gee, thanks!'' her tone dripped with sarcasm.

After walking for a long time they stopped in front of a store. Revy stared at the huge window and felt her face flush.

''No! Nononono! I'm not going in there.'' Revy turned around to leave but was jerked back by Shenhua as she dragged her inside.

''Nuhuh! Never! Nein! Nope!'' she kept yelling at the taiwanese assassin as Shenhua pulled her inside with a huge grin on her face.

''C'mon!'' Shenhua cackled as she finally managed to drag the red head inside and forced her into a seat. ''just one.''

**Thirty minutes later...**

Revy and Shenhua walked down the street. Shenhua seemed like her cheerful self while Revy seemed a little annoyed. But definitly not bored.

''If anyone in my crew finds out about this, I'll kill you.'' Revy muttered.

''I kill you first Twinkie.'' she replied. ''Besides they very good for stabbing in the eye or nuts.''

''Thats why I bought them.'' Revy sighed. ''I still can't believe you made me spend most of my money on this.'' Revy raised the purple bag containing the box.

''Thats what friends do Twinkie.'' Shenhua waved at her before strutting off towards her apartment.

''Don't choke to death in your sleep, Chinglish!'' Revy growled after her. Shehua just waved and ignored the pointless threat.

''They'll never let me live this down.'' she sighed.

* * *

**The fateful day itself...**

The box lay on the table, the lid lay next to it. The three men sat around it wondering what the hell was going on.

''Do you think we should worry about her?'' Rock asked.

''I think this may be proof enough that we shouldn't .'' Benny stated.

''Maybe we should ask her about this.'' Rock said.

''And get stabbed in the eye with this thing? I think not!'' Benny exclaimed. ''it can probably go deep enough to puncture the brain anyway.''

''Now that you think about it...that may be why she has it in the first place.'' Dutch rumbled.

''I don't see why she would buy a pair of red 6 inch stilts just to puncture someone's brain.'' Rock stated matter of factly.

''I don't see why she wouldn't.'' Benny countered.

Dutch sighed.

* * *

**In another corner of the town...**

''So what do you think?'' Revy asked as she tried on a pair of orange platforms.

Shenhua shook her head slightly and pointed at the heel. ''They no good for stabbing! They only for show.''

''Yeah? Well how about a steel toed pair.'' Revy replied.

''And sharp steel tip heel too!'' Shenhua exclaimed.

Revy had to admit, being able to do shopping with a friend like an ordinary girl was really fun.

Even if it was for custom heels just to puncture balls.

* * *

**Tadaaaaa there you guys go. I can't help but find them agreeing on that. Thanks Nani! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Yay new chapter. Yeah not much of an AN this time. I'm a rather sad girl today. Sigh.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own shit.**

**Rumors**

It was just another day in Roanapur. There was booze, blood, hookers in shady corners, poor men being tossed into the harbor. Just another ordinary day. Except it wasn't. Today was the day of great celebration. The much awaited incident took place last night and many a men became richer by a couple hundred dollars. What was the great incident? Well the word on the street was that the Lagoon girl and the chink pacifist had finally done it.

Why was this so important to the people of the city? Well, when your life saving depends on something it tends to become important.

**Inside the yellow flag…..**

A random blonde named RJ walked with a spring in his step. He was happy, very happy. He had won three hundred bucks from his two dumbass buddies; who were now waiting at the table for him to bring their mugs of beer. He could still hear the random whispers about said incident.

Walking up to his friends he set down the mugs and took a seat. The brunette rookie thug looked sad. Understandable cause he did just loose the years biggest bet. He grabbed his glass and took several gulps before slamming it back down and spilling a bit on the table.

"What the fuck is yer problem, eh?" RJ asked him, eyeing him slightly.

"He ain't gotten himself a lay yet." The third guy, Marky, replied with smirk.

"Shut up Marky!" Allan shoved the national symbol of Roanapur in his face.

"Ease up man!" RJ put up his hands in an effort to calm the man down. "Stop being such a bitch and I just might tell you more about the whole incident."

"Yeah what the hell really happened?"

"All righty then, you know that it happened last night right? Well it happened right here in one of the rooms upstairs. One of Madam Flora's girls heard it and well the rest is history."

"And…" Allen hinted at RJ to continue.

"And what? That's it." RJ exclaimed. "What did you think? There'd be a whole romantic comedy?"

Suddenly the door crashed open and in walked the two hot topics of the city of sin. Two hands walked in first dragging the poor salary man behind her. They took their usual seats and she ordered her usual rum. The bar remained silent as though waiting for something, anything to happen. A random cough seemed rather loud and awkward. The tattooed woman turned around, gun in hand and shouted out,

"What the fuck are ya'll looking at? Ya'll wanna meet yer ancestors already? Huh?" The salary man by her side fidgeted uncomfortably. Poor kid.

And with that the bloody, boozy, brawly bustle returned.

**Last night, Yellow Flag, hotel room…**

Rock sat on the bed while Revy was in the loo. It had been a hard day. The cargo they had to deliver to Rowan got mixed up with the one they had to deliver to Balalaika. The results….not good. It had taken nearly two hours for Rock to talk the queen into lowering her gun from his crotch. Revy had found it particularly funny. Dutch and Benny had decided to head back and get some rest while Revy had dragged a rather tired Rock to the Flag for some hardcore alcohol poisoning.

He leaned back on his arms and tried to stretch them. Something sticky and wet was under his palm. Pulling his hands back he wiped them on his pants with a disgusted look on his face. Just then Revy walked out of the washroom and kicked off her boots to sit cross legged on the bed. She had said she wanted to do something fun. So here he was waiting for her to reveal the fun activity.

"So, what are we gonna do?" Rock asked carefully. He eyed Revy suspiciously, that grin didn't seem very…..nice?

"Oh nothing much Rock." With that she reached into her shorts pocket and pulled out a small plastic packet.

Monica stood outside the door to the room with her ear connected to the door. She had just been passing by after finishing off her client, a rather fat fuck, when she heard voices from within the room. And it was pure curiosity. She could have sworn it was the Two hand woman in there.

"Revy I can't…please we can't….I'm not doing this." Rock stuttered.

"C'mon Rock!" Revy cackled at his terrified expression." Don't tell me you've never done this before."

"I have but...It isn't right." He said pushing himself off the bed and away from her. "I mean what about the example I should set?" suddenly he felt desperate.

Revy stared at him like he had grown an extra head.

"Set an example for who Rock?" Even Rock new that was a crappy excuse.

"But it isn't right Revy!"

"Hey donkey Kong, you've been in this place for how long now? And this is how you get at something so simple?" Revy questioned in her trademark fuck you tone. How she could say a whole sentence like that was beyond him, but she did have a point.

"Pussy" and Revy knew she'd struck a nerve when Rock stalked over to her, looming a couple of inches over her. She couldn't help but smirk when he reached out and snatched the deck from her hand.

"You're on." Rock growled once they had finally settled on the bed with the cards laid out for a game of poker.

**That's it. Boring I know. But at least it's an update. Reviews are well loved.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Piggies and Chicken Soup**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

"What the Fuck Dutch?"

The big black man stared calmly at the angry, angry redhead. He was a brave man, a very brave man but he couldn't help but feel glad that they were out of any sort of ammo.

Well, the boat was stocked, but they weren't anywhere near it yet.

Thankfully.

The red-faced, red-head snapped her fingers in front of his face, snapping him out of his reverie. Blinking a couple of times he adjusted his glazed over sight on the rather silly sight before him. What could he say, it wasn't like Revy had let anyone sleep last night with all the frustrated screaming that tends to accompany an itchy her.

"What the hell do you mean I'm not coming?" She screamed, completely disregarding the new temporary rules regarding personal space. Dutch stepped back, not wanting to pick a fight. He mentally kicked himself for not sending Rock to do this job.

"It means, you aren't coming." He stated firmly and adjusted his glasses. "We don't need to all fall sick."

"But I'm not Sick!" Revy bellowed. To think she'd been complaining about a sore throat a while back.

"Alright, let me rephrase that; we don't all need to contract chickenpox." A slight throbbing in his head told of the incoming headache.

"But…"

"No buts. You can take half of Rock's pay." Revy frowned not happy about getting only half of what she could have gotten but at least it was something. Besides all she was doing was sitting on her ass till it went numb.

But she was soo bored.

"Can't I just come?" She pleaded, " and besides you could use my help! Its not we are a that lucky a crew anyway."

"Don't you worry that pretty little head of yours, we hired Shenhua for that and just how exactly do you plan to intimidate people when you resemble a dalmatian?"

Revy was going to implode, so Dutch simply tuned her out till she finished another one of her screaming fits. She was gonna burst something if she didn't get well soon. Which also implied that till she was ill, most around her were safe cause Rock had quietly slipped her guns from her.

Good boy.

Dutch turned to leave and slammed the door shut behind him as she continued to scream like a banshee.

"So! How'd it go?" Benny asked a little nervously as he got up to follow Dutch out the door. Rock got up too before glancing at the door to Revy's room. Concern clearly written on his face.

"I'm alive ain't I?" Dutch smirked at the Japanese and opened the door.

Boy, was he glad he was wearing dark glasses.

The sunlight bounced of the platinum blonde hair and by the sounds of the two employees, it must have been rather bright. He adjusted his sunglasses before asking.

"Babysitting?"

Rock and Benny gaped at The Wizard before Shenhua started cackling from behind him.

"When I asked you for this favor ma'am, I wanted someone reliable enough to not die." Dutch grunted at the Taiwanese assassin, who just smiled at him. Eerily.

"He reliable Dutchy." Shenhua said " and he not die easily."

"Don't call me that." Dutch grunted before bellowing loud enough for Revy to hear.

"Don't kill the sitter Revy, or you can live on tap water."

Another set of screams could be heard and Rotten paled to a perfect match for his hair.

Dutch sighed again. He was doing that a lot lately. If this day got any worse he would hang himself after the job.

* * *

Revy buried her face into her pillow after another bout of scratching her back. Or at least trying to. She'd never had chicken pox before and Rock said that was exactly why she had it now. It didn't make sense. Just because she was sporting a full body itch didn't mean she couldn't fight. And what was this personal space law. Why even call it a LAW? And now she was stuck in the building with the god damned gigolo without her cutlass.

She wasn't a baby. And she definitely didn't need a sitter. She wasn't going to leave the room till he left. Lest she have to explain why a certain gigolo was splattered on the ceiling.

Knock knock.

There it was again. That annoying knocking he'd been doing since the last two hours. He was even more annoying than Rock. The crazy ass had been cleaning the kitchen when she had peeked out of the keyhole. (she needed to eat god dammit). Also he had taken out the trash and dusted the living room. OCD anyone?

"Please miss, you need to eat." And was he sounding oh-so-concerned. Did he just call her miss? Didn't he know her name? Oh wait, he didn't. He knew of Two Hands though. "you shouldn't go hungry when you are ill."

Like she cared. Her stomach roared angrily causing her to double over. Okay, so she did care a bit.

"I made some chicken soup." There was a smile in his tone. Smug bastard.

**DAMN THIN WALLS.**

She huffed and puffed and walked to the door before kicking it open. It usually opened inwards but the hinges decided not to mess with the hungry legend.

Oh! And she stubbed her toe.

"DAMMIT!"

She howled in agony as the blonde looked at her like she had grown a second head. He stood before her with a bowl in his hands. Its aroma danced around her and she very nearly sighed. The pale yellow liquid seemed irresistible and she felt like drooling a little. Rotten's face betrayed no emotion as he held the bowl out to her.

"Hungry?" he asked quietly.

* * *

It hadn't been a tough job. Except for a few complications. But the complications were floating around in the ocean in pieces now.

Shenhua was efficient.

He prayed Rotten wasn't floating around in another realm though. Rock and Benny seemed a bit worried too. Opening the door to the office the three men were surprised at the scene before them.

The rooms were sparkling,the trash was missing, the dust was gone, but most of all…..Rotten The Wizard was was alive and well.

"Where's Revy?" Rock asked, slightly worried about his girlfri-uh-partner.

Rotten simply pointed at her bedroom door. Well the door hanging oh her bedroom entrance. Now that was more like it.

Inside the absolutely clean room, on the well made bed lay Revy, snuggling against a pillow and snoring softly.

Rock and the guys took baby steps into the room.

"how did- how cou-HOW?" Rock stuttered.

"Oh!" Rotten chuckled a bit, "I just read her a bedtime story."

Benny reached out for the book lying next to a soup bowl on the makeshift bedside table.

'Three little pigs?" he croaked out.

Dutch's glasses cracked audibly.

No one payed any attention to the white haired man as he pulled on his coat and walked towards the front door. The payment was to be included in Shenhua's pay. Before he remembered something else.

"Oh, and don't have the soup. It may have a hint of _ambien_ in it."

No one bothered to listen as the three men stared open mouthed at the polka dotted redhead mumbling something about huffing puffing piggies and murderous ice creams.

* * *

**DunDunDun! Reviews are appreciated. Ambien is a sleeping pill.  
**


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